


Dear Irina

by Nesabj



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Action/Adventure, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:34:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28597026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nesabj/pseuds/Nesabj
Summary: This is a story told in a series of letters from Chekov to his girlfriend Irina.  (We met her in the episode "The Way to Eden".)They reflect Chekov's point of view on various adventures that he witnessed onboard the Enterprise.  Some canon, some not.
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

Stardate 3385.7  
Orbiting Altair 6

Dear Irina,

I’m very sorry that it has taken me so long to write you. When I finally got my orders, I had to report to my ship immediately and since then, I've had no time to even catch a breath. Irina, I got my first choice: The Enterprise. Actually, she was my only choice. Everyone told me that it was a huge risk to apply only to the flagship of Starfleet, but I've always been a risk taker, as you well know. Remember that time we sneaked out of the Academy dorm to watch the lunar eclipse and…? 

I certainly do and the memory still makes me smile. 

As you can imagine, being one of the last cadets in my class to receive orders was really nerve-racking, but this ship was worth waiting for. Who would have believed that Pavel Andreievitch Chekov, middle of his class at the Academy, and fairly average in just about everything, would find himself on the most talked about Starship in the fleet? 

Not only did I get posted to the Enterprise, but also I am part of the BRIDGE CREW! I was on the Enterprise  
for less than two weeks when Captain Kirk called me up to the bridge during alpha shift. I had been working as the navigator's aide on beta shift and was very happy to have the job. Suddenly, I found myself on the bridge with Captain Kirk himself calling out navigation problems. I guess I did well enough, because I've been alpha shift navigator ever since. They say that Captain Kirk has an eye for spotting hidden talents in his crew. Modesty forbids my wondering just what talent the captain might see in me. However, as they say in Russia, never look a gift horse in the mouth. So, here I am, on the ship of my dreams, serving under the captain that I have admired more than anyone in Starfleet. 

Well Irina, now that I have everything I wanted, I have to admit to being more than a little nervous. I wake up every morning, afraid that I'll make a mistake and the ship will end up plunging to its doom, caught in a gravity well. Or, that I'll misplace a decimal and burn us up in some alien sun. The navigator's nightmare! 

Or, maybe Starfleet will decide that this posting was really meant for someone else, and I'll get transferred to some ore freighter. So far, I've managed not to make any major mistakes, and the captain is pretty patient with me. Still, I don't want to disappoint him, so I'm working harder than I ever have before.

I haven't had time to make any real friends yet. I try to do my job and not stick out too much, but I work with our Vulcan first officer and it's impossible to fade into the woodwork with Mr. Spock as your boss. He is brilliant, as fast as lightening on the computer and he never forgets anything. He expects me to meet those standards, but he's never cruel or impatient with me. I find myself doing things faster and better than I would ever have imagined. Mr. Spock is the first Vulcan I have spent any time with. I know that Vulcans aren't supposed to have emotions, but Mr. Spock reminds me of a Russian winter, very cold and frosty on the outside, but with the promise of summer always there beneath the surface. Every once in a while, that warmth peaks through his Vulcan mask. This may be my romantic Russian soul imagining things, as you so often accused me of doing at the Academy, but I don't think so.

My neighbor at the helm is Hikaru Sulu. He's an academy grad, a few years older than we are. I think he and I could be friends, if I ever have any free time to make a friend. Sulu is a great partner. He has helped me over some of the rough spots and he's really good at his job. He is very quick and has an imagination second only to the captain's. He's a fencer and he thinks in three dimensions. They say fencing is physical chess, and his reputation suggests that Mr. Sulu has checkmated more than a few of our opponents at the helm already.

Everyone, (except me, of course) is in love with our chief communications officer, Nyota Uhura. She's fantastic at her job, and it's one of the most demanding on the ship. She controls and organizes the flow of information into and away from the Enterprise, and does it with great calm and efficiency. Uhura is beautiful inside and out and has the voice of an angel. When you hear her speak over the ship's systems, even in the middle of a crisis, somehow, you feel that everything will be all right.

I am trying to settle into a routine but on this ship, nothing is routine. I am beginning to see why Captain Kirk is considered a bit of a maverick by some at the Academy. He does seem to make up his own rules as he goes along. I am not one to be a stickler, as you know. Remember how we rigged the entry computer at the dorm to set back the curfew time? That was great. Irina. We were a terrific team. I can't help wishing that you had stayed at the Academy. I know it wasn't the right thing for you, but I miss you. 

About Captain Kirk. I really don't know how to describe him. I guess the first thing to say is that he is so young. He's only a little more than ten years older than I am and already he's the captain of the Enterprise. I can't imagine what those ten years must have been like. Most of the time, he's kind and patient, with a really good sense of humor, but I've also seen another side of him. A cold and unbending side that plunges ahead, breaking rules and ignoring regulations to get what he wants. Sometimes he's just a little bit frightening. Still, he has not done anything to make me admire him less. And, the crew who know him better that I do idolize him.

Right now, we're orbiting Altair 6. The captain, Mr. Spock, and Dr. McCoy, our ship's surgeon, have just beamed down to the planet for the inauguration ceremonies for the new president and we are waiting for them to report. The ship was two days late for the ceremony because we diverted to Vulcan and I think the captain is in trouble because of the delay. On our way to Altair 6 we kept changing course. I plotted the course to Vulcan and then to Altair so many times I almost got space sick. I think the captain diverted the ship to Vulcan on his own authority and that made some of the Starfleet brass pretty angry. 

I don't know what happened down on Vulcan, but it had something to do with Mr. Spock's wedding. The captain, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Spock all went to Vulcan to attend the ceremony, but at the last minute the wedding was called off. I heard that it was because the captain had some kind of accident on the planet. Actually, the ship's scuttlebutt was that he was dead. Thank all the bears in Russia, that wasn't true. Captain Kirk did end up in Sickbay, but no one's talking about it. As you can imagine, all this secrecy is very hard for someone who is naturally curious, such as myself.

Anyway, the captain was released from Sickbay, and we headed to Altair 6 at maximum speed. It was pretty grim on the bridge for the two days it took us to get here. The captain seemed preoccupied and Dr. McCoy, who by the way is a really great guy, was hardly on the bridge at all. He usually spends a lot of time up there. He and Captain Kirk are very good friends. His relationship with Mr. Spock is a little harder to understand, but, although they seem to argue a lot, you get the feeling that it is a kind of game between them. 

There were no games on the bridge on the trip to Altair 6. The atmosphere was really serious, very tense.  
Mr. Spock barely spoke, and I think the captain wasn’t completely over whatever happened down on Vulcan. I don't know why I think that. He just didn't seem the same to me. But then, I hardly know him. It's probably just my imagination.

Irina, dear, I can't finish this. I've been ordered down to the planet. I can’t believe it. Even thought it's probably just to some boring diplomatic function, I'm really excited. I've never been to Altair 6, and I get to be with the command crew on the planet. I'll write and tell you everything that happens. 

Please write me back soon. I know these messages take forever to get delivered, but I'd really like to know how you have been doing since you left the Academy. I know that somehow we'll see each other soon. I feel it in my Russian bones.

Much love,  
Pavel.  
************************************************

Stardate 3388.9  
Orbiting Altair 6

Dear Irina,

It has been three days since my last letter. I haven't had a chance to sit down and finish this until now. I want to send it from Altair 6 before we leave, since we are heading into deep space to search for a cruiser that is late in reporting in to Starfleet.

Irina, I had no idea what kind of people I signed up to work with. I guess I should have known something because of the notoriety of this ship and its captain. They have already made quite a reputation for themselves in the first year of their mission. Underneath that reputation is the truth. James Kirk and his command crew are the most ruthless, reckless, and frightening people that I have ever know. I know I wanted to be on this ship, but now I'm not so sure that this is the right place for me. Irina, remember the old Russian saying, "Be careful what you wish for"? Well, I think some of those old sayings were very wise. 

I will tell you what I can about what happened on Altair 6 and perhaps you will see what I mean. I beamed down to the planet with two security guards. I thought we were going to participate in the inauguration, but instead, Mr. Spock met us at the beam down site. He informed us that the Altairians had arrested Captain Kirk. They accused him of deliberately sabotaging the inauguration of their President. 

Apparently, the President refused to go through with the ceremonies without all three Federation vessels in place. Since the Enterprise delayed this for several days, the opposition party filed an objection to the election. The election was declared void and the entire planet was thrown into confusion. The President went into hiding, and all of Altair blamed Captain Kirk and the Enterprise for the chaos. Mr. Spock gave us those details on the way to the prison. He suddenly seemed to me to be as cold as a Siberian ice storm. I wonder if I imagined his warmth on the bridge. 

I was filled with all kinds of questions. How could Starfleet have allowed this? The Captain had delayed the Enterprise's arrival, that was true, but accusing him of sabotaging the election seemed a little extreme. I've since found out that some important Vulcan official named T'Pau embarrassed an Admiral Komack, and that Admiral blamed Captain Kirk. He persuaded Starfleet to look the other way at the behavior of the Altairians. Politics! I will leave that to the lawyers and diplomats. We in Starfleet carry out the law; we don't try to understand it.

Mr. Spock informed me that I would have to make a statement to the authorities that it was he and not the captain who ordered me to alter our course to Vulcan the first time. Since this was true, I didn’t see any problem in making the statement. That might help convince the authorities that the captain did not delay the Enterprise to influence the Altairian elections. 

There was a long wait when we got to the prison. After about two hours Dr. McCoy was brought into our waiting room. He had been trying to see the captain, but the Altairians would not permit it. Dr. McCoy wanted the security guards posted at the captain's cell, because the Altairian prison had a very bad reputation. Prisoners were known to disappear without a trace and a highly visible prisoner like the captain was in particular danger. Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock had a private conversation. The doctor seemed furious with Mr. Spock, but the Vulcan remained so calm. I could not help wondering whether the first officer cared anything for the captain. They had seemed to like one another on the Enterprise, but Mr. Spock seemed unmoved by Captain Kirk's situation.

After another hour, several Altairians came into our room. One of them, I think he was a lawyer, informed us that the captain had been taken to the infirmary wing of the prison. The doctor demanded to be taken to the captain, but the Altairian refused. They also refused to allow the security guards to be posted to the infirmary. The doctor argued that they needed to see Captain Kirk. Mr. Spock was silent. Doctor McCoy threatened to go to the Federation Council. That seemed to get through to the Altairian lawyer. He left the room without a word and returned a few moments later.

Dr. McCoy questioned him about the captain, and demanded again to see him, but the Altairian insisted that the rule of law had to apply. He couldn't make special allowances simply because Captain Kirk was a Starfleet captain. That made sense to me but it seemed to enrage Dr. McCoy. The lawyer then proceeded to take my statement. I tried to be as clear as possible, but the situation was very confusing. When I started to say something about Mr. Spock's wedding, the doctor jumped in and said that I was mistaken. He said that there had been no wedding and the ship had gone to Vulcan with the authorization of T'Pau, on her private business. Spock gave the doctor a long look but didn’t contradict him. The Altairian tried to follow up, but I took the hint and didn't say anything more. 

Irina, I must admit to a very selfish feeling of annoyance. I could not help feeling angry that my experience of Altair 6 was of sitting in a prison waiting room, and not attending a diplomatic reception. There are some things that one is not prepared for by the Academy. All those command scenarios are fine, but nothing at the Academy prepared me for the bureaucratic nonsense on Altair 6. The whole thing seemed like a silly misunderstanding to me. That is until the Altairians brought in the captain. Then bureaucracy gave way to madness.

Captain Kirk had to be supported by two Altairians because he could not walk on his own. He looked like he had been beaten up. His uniform was ripped and covered in filth. His face was bruised and he carried his right arm as if it were broken. He also looked sick. He was pale and sweat coated his face. He looked at us but his eyes didn’t seem to focus. The Altairians placed him on a chair and would not allow Dr. McCoy near him. Captain Kirk was shaking so hard that he nearly fell off his chair. I must admit to being shocked by the captain's treatment, but different cultures follow different rules. That is one of the first things that we learned at the Academy.

I thought the doctor was going to have a stroke. He argued with the Altairians who would not let him near Captain Kirk. The security guards tried to help the captain, but they too were kept away. I think the Altairians thought we might try to do something to get the captain away from them. I thought that highly unlikely. After all, we were guests on the planet and had to observe their laws, as Starfleet officers. That is what we were taught at the Academy. I thought we would leave and take up our case with the Federation Council as the doctor had suggested. Then I took a look at Mr. Spock.

Irina, I swear I'm not making this up. Our Vulcan first officer looked furious, guilty and close to murder, yet not a muscle in his face moved. I don't know how this could be, yet I am certain that he felt those feelings. Captain Kirk must have sensed something as well. You could barely hear his voice, but he said something to Mr. Spock that made him freeze in his tracks. It sounded like he told Spock that he shouldn't blame himself for what happened, but I can’t be sure. I can't imagine why the first officer would think he was responsible for the captain's difficulties? 

After that, I don't really understand what happened. I think I heard the first officer say something about not allowing the captain to die again, but that made no sense. Without warning, Mr. Spock put his hands on two of the Altairians and they collapsed. The two security guards jumped two other Altairians. The captain pulled himself off the chair and launched himself at the last remaining Altairian who was about to hit Dr. McCoy with his fist. I am a little ashamed to admit that I just stood there, but I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A Starfleet captain and his first officer attacked the lawful representatives of another planet. 

Mr. Spock put an arm around the captain to support him. He looked as if he wanted to carry him, but I could see the captain struggle to walk on his own. He is a stubborn man. The first officer ordered us all to follow them. We ran through the prison building, pushing confused people out of our way until we arrived at an unshielded area and Mr. Spock ordered Mr. Scott, the chief engineer, to beam us all back on board the ship. 

They hustled the captain off to Sickbay. I am still waiting for a debriefing, but when I called up to the bridge, I was told that Mr. Scott had the conn and no one was available to debrief me. 

What kind of ship is this? 

I went to Sickbay, where I knew I'd find the doctor, and Captain Kirk. They wouldn't let me in. Apparently, Mr. Spock was there too. One of the nurses whispered that the captain was suffering from some side effect of an injury that he got on Vulcan as well as from a bad beating on Altair 6. I know I'm just a very junior officer, but I was on Altair 6 with them. I don't like being left in the dark. And, I don't think that I like being a part of what when on. 

Captain Kirk seems to write his own rules and his officers are willing to support his disregard of the law. He was legally detained on Altair 6 and his first officer essentially kidnapped him, aided and abetted by security and the CMO of the Enterprise. I'm sorry that he's sick and I hope he recovers soon. When he does, I think I may request a transfer off this ship. I really am not sure that I can fit in here. 

I will write again and tell you what I decide to do. For now, we have been ordered to leave Altair 6. I guess the Federation Council will straighten out the mess we are leaving behind. The Enterprise will shortly be on its way to search for a missing star ship. Commodore Matt Decker's Constellation is late in reporting to Starfleet. Commodore Decker has a fine reputation as a commander who plays by the rules. Perhaps, I can get a field transfer. I'll let you know what happens.

Please write me and tell me how you are doing.  
Yours always,  
Pavel


	2. Chapter 2

Stardate 4190.7

Dear Irina,

It was wonderful to hear from you. Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's a little lonely celebrating a birthday by myself. I'm pretty sure no one here knows, so your remembering is really nice. 

I was pleased to be able to catch up on some of your life since you left the Academy. I know that it was a difficult decision for you and I'm glad that it seems to be turning out so well. It sounds like you and your Dr. Sevrin are doing some very interesting research. Although, since you and I both know that paradise is somewhere near Moscow, I wonder why you aren't looking closer to home for Eden? (That was a joke Irina Galliulin, something you always said I wouldn't recognize if it hit me in the face.) Anyway, good luck with your research. I'd like to meet this Dr. Sevrin. Maybe we will all sit down one day and compare our experiences.

I am taking your advice to wait and not make any hasty decisions about leaving the Enterprise. I still don't understand the dynamics of this ship, but I am beginning to get a glimpse into the characters of my fellow bridge officers. You know that I have been troubled by some behavior, but as time goes by and I learn more about them I am beginning to feel a little more comfortable here. 

Let me catch you up on what happened after we left Altair 6. Remember I told you that Captain Kirk ran into trouble on the planet? Well, he spent some time in Sickbay recovering from the beating he received in prison. The captain apparently also picked up some kind of bug from his stay on Vulcan. I understand that it will take a while before he is fully recovered. It apparently isn't contagious, because when I asked Dr. McCoy if he was in danger of catching the captain's illness, he looked at me as if I was insane. Then he said that if anything on Vulcan bit him, he'd bite back. I have absolutely no idea what that means. The doctor sometimes has a strange sense of humor, though I'm not really sure that he was making a joke.

I asked Lieutenant Uhura about Captain Kirk's legal troubles on Altair 6 and she told me to mind my own business. Sulu, who I've been getting to know and is becoming a friend, told me the same thing. I'm dying of curiosity, but I guess that since Captain Kirk is still in command, he must have worked things out. I suspect that Starfleet didn't buy the idea that the captain single-handedly sabotaged a whole planet. Even this captain is probably not capable of that. 

As we head out into space to look for the Constellation, I have to admit that my job is great. I don't wake up every morning waiting for someone to realize they make a mistake. 

At least not every morning! 

I seem to have the confidence of the captain and Mr. Spock. I am now the permanent alpha shift navigator and I work closely with all the members of the bridge crew. Captain Kirk hasn't been on the bridge all that much because he is still on light duty, but when he is there he is patient and takes the time to work with me. I am still confused about him. How could someone who is such an excellent commander allow his crew to deviate from lawful behavior? I just don't get it. 

I have to go now. I was just paged by Mr. Spock. I hope I'm not in trouble. I'll let you know what happens.

Love,  
Pavel

************************************************

Stardate 4791.2

Dear Irina,

You aren't going to believe this. Do you know why Mr. Spock paged me? Somehow, Sulu found out that it was my birthday and he arranged a party for me. I walked into the briefing room, expecting to find Mr. Spock ready to discipline me for some error, and instead all the bridge crew and a lot of others were there. 

There was a cake and something that Uhura said were blinis with caviar. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but those blinis were no more Russian than she is, and that caviar never saw the inside of a sturgeon. But, it's the thought that counts and this was one of the most thoughtful things I could imagine. Mr. Scott, he's chief engineer, had synthesized some vodka (much better than the blinis) and everyone drank a toast to me. It really made me feel like a part of the crew. 

Even the captain came to the party. He and Dr. McCoy arrived a bit late. Captain Kirk joined in the toast and ate some of the blinis. In the middle of a bite of blini, he turned the most astonishing shade of pink. At first I thought it was because he knew what a blini ought to taste like, but Doctor McCoy hustled him out so fast that I guess it's because he's still ill. Mr. Spock left with them. It put a damper on the party because everyone is worried about the captain's health. But, it certainly didn't change my feelings about my crewmates. What a great bunch of people I work with.

Irina, do you know what a "lirpa" is? As McCoy was pushing the captain out of the room, I heard him mutter something like, "Damn lirpa, damn bugs." I didn't hear him too well. Do you think a lirpa is some kind of Vulcan disease? The captain kept rubbing his chest as if it hurt. Maybe lirpa is a lung disease. I think I'll try to look it up if I have time.

I'll write more soon. It's time for my duty shift and we are nearing the last location for the Constellation. I can't wait to meet Commodore Decker. I wonder if he's as impressive as they say. Of course, Captain Kirk isn't exactly what I expected. 

Love,  
Pavel

************************************

Stardate 4240.7

Dear Irina.

I still can't believe what happened. This ship is either blessed or cursed and I can't say which. Do you remember the Russian saying "May you live in interesting times"? Well, these have certainly been interesting times. I'm not sure that your friend Pavel isn't better suited to something a little more boring.

We came upon the Constellation, but not before finding an entire dead star system. I can't tell you which system because that information is classified. Suffice it to say that only rubble and debris were left of what had once been a living system of planets. It was horrible. The Constellation just hung in space, not answering any of Uhura's hails. It looked as dead as the system it was supposed to protect. The captain and a landing party beamed over to the ship and found that only Commodore Decker was left on board. Captain Kirk had the commodore beamed over to the Enterprise while he and some engineers stayed behind to see if they could get the ship to operate. I'm not sure what happened to the Constellation's crew. Scuttlebutt has it that Decker beamed them down to a planet that was destroyed. 

Irina, a lot of what happened next is classified. I'm not allowed to say what destroyed the planets and nearly destroyed the Constellation. What I can tell you is that I had the chance to watch Commodore Decker, a commander who goes by the book, and I think I'll take Captain Kirk any day. Decker took command of the Enterprise from Mr. Spock while the captain was still on the Constellation. He tried to use our ship to destroy the device that had damaged the Constellation. Even after it was pretty clear that the Enterprise wasn't going to fare better than the Constellation, Decker wouldn't quit. He kept citing rules and regulations. Captain Kirk was furious. I could hear his outrage as he spoke to Decker. He wasn't about to let blind obedience to rules destroy the Enterprise. But the captain was on the Constellation and it seemed to me that there was nothing he could do. Ha! I should have known better. 

I watched as the commodore was willing to sacrifice this ship and crew and the landing party on the Constellation for a pretty uncertain result. He ignored Mr. Spock's advice and Captain Kirk's orders and put us all in harms way. Finally, on Captain Kirk's order, Mr. Spock relieved him of command. I wasn't sure if security would relieve the commodore since he outranked both Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, but on the Enterprise it's clear where the crew's loyalty lies. It was pretty hard to watch, but in my opinion it was the right thing to do and it saved all our lives. 

Except Commodore Decker. He was killed in the line of duty. 

I also watched Captain Kirk's willingness to sacrifice himself to save all of us. With every expectation that he might be killed, Captain Kirk stayed behind on the Constellation in order to destroy a device that could have been a threat to the Federation. It wasn't by the book, but it worked. Which captain would I choose to serve under? I think the answer is clear. 

I'm just not sure that I'm suited for this kind of work.

Writing this down has really helped me sort some things out in my mind. I watched Mr. Spock while the transporter malfunctioned as Captain Kirk beamed back to the Enterprise, and I think that my original assessment of him was correct. There is definitely something underneath that Vulcan façade. He clearly cares about what happens to Captain Kirk, since I got the feeling that he was practically jumping out of his skin while he waited for Mr. Scott to fix the transporter. Nothing showed on the outside. He just kept saying, "Mr. Scott, Mr. Scott," over and over, but those two words spoke volumes. 

The captain might be unorthodox in his command style, but he clearly would sacrifice his life for this ship and crew. You can’t expect more, and I don't think that I would want to serve under someone who would give less. Also, some people who I have come to respect clearly worship him. McCoy, Uhura, and Sulu are unusually protective of him and seem to have real affection for the captain. That's pretty rare. Respect yes, but affection? 

I'm not all that experienced (another joke, Irina) but I'm certain that there is more than the usual rapport between this captain and his crew. I'm just not sure where I fit in. I don’t know whether I'm suited to this kind of service. I know that I wanted the Enterprise more than anything I've ever wanted before, but I'm learning a lot about myself here. I think I may be better suited to a quieter life. Is there any chance of my joining up with you and working on your research? Please let me know.

Captain Kirk is back in Sickbay again. No one is really talking about it, but I can't help wondering whether the stress of this last mission made him sicker. I hope he recovers soon, because I think I've made a decision about my future, and I'd like to tell him first. I think I owe him that much since he's put so much confidence in me. I hope he won't think I'm letting him down.

Write soon.

Love,  
Pavel


	3. Chapter 3

Stardate 4407.3 

Dear Irina, 

I know that it's been quite a while since you have heard from me. I am sorry, but these have been an unbelievable two months. I'll write you more about some of it in my next message, but I need to tell you something else now. I hope that this reaches you. I haven't received any messages from you either, so I am sending this to your old address. Perhaps your mother can forward it to you if you are no longer there. 

I want you to hear this from me. I have terrible news. Matt Hendorf is dead. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I can't think of any other way to tell you. He died in the line of duty, five days ago. I was there when it happened. At least he had a friend with him when he died. I think that when my time comes, it would mean something to me to know that I was with friends. 

I am not religious, as you know, but I remembered that Matt was, so I said a prayer in Russian that I my mother used to say when I was a child. I hope his soul finds its rest so far from home. I only wish that I could have done something to prevent his death. But I couldn't. No one could. It was just a terrible accident. 

The Enterprise was charting a newly opened area of space when we encountered what looked like a perfect Class M planet. At first we thought that it was uninhabited, but then our scans showed a primitive culture existed on the planet. We would have broken orbit and left the planet and its culture undisturbed, but Starfleet ordered us to investigate an unexplained energy source that Mr. Spock had detected. And so the captain formed a landing party, and we beamed all down to paradise. 

The planet, called Gamma Trianguli IV, looked so peaceful and beautiful that the captain said it reminded him of the Garden of Eden. I thought of you. It seems that we are all looking for our Garden of Eden. Sometimes we even find it for a moment, but always it seems there is a serpent in the garden. You used to say that I was so Russian, such a pessimist. You said that I always found the cloud around every silver lining. But, Irina, it is the universe that is Russian. 

In any case, for Matt, the serpent in this garden was a harmless looking plant that released some sort of poisoned thorn. Some of those thorns hit Matt in the chest, and he was dead before he hit the ground. 

Irina, at least he didn't suffer. Not like those of us he left behind. All of the landing party was very shaken by Matt's death. It was so sudden. So completely unexpected. It's one thing to go into battle and find death, but a walk on a beautiful planet... 

I was completely stunned by Matt's death. Remember when we would sit around the commons at the Academy dreaming about our futures? Matt always said that he wanted to see new worlds, to be the first to set foot on new planets. That's why he chose security, so he could be there first. It all seemed so innocent back then. You wanted to do the pure science, the research work that could help discover cures for hunger and disease. I wanted to work out the puzzle of space, to find pathways through the stars. And Matt, all Matt wanted was to get there before anyone else. He got his wish. He is the first in our class to die. 

Suddenly Irina, this all seems so real. 

Captain Kirk took Matt's death very personally. He blamed himself for being careless, but there was no warning that the plant was poisonous. It has always seemed to me that it is wise to assume that every apple that seems so sweet inevitably has a worm lurking inside. What is that old Russian saying about not starting to eat until you check for flies in the kasha? I can't remember exactly. But, in this case we all thought that this kasha was safe to eat. 

I didn't tell the captain that Matt had been my friend. I didn't want him to feel worse than he already did. But Irina, he knew. Captain Kirk makes it his business to know everyone on his ship. You never feel that you are just a body doing a job on the Enterprise. Right after Matt died, while we were still in the midst of our mission, the captain called me aside and spoke to me privately. He talked about how hard it was to loose a friend. He said that one of his best friends had been killed shortly after he assumed command, and that he still thought of him every day. Captain Kirk told me that when he thought of his friend it was his way of keeping him alive. He said that you weren't really gone if there was someone left to remember you. That is why I wanted to be the one to tell you about Matt. Together, we can remember him, and that way a part of him will still be alive. Maybe too, that's why it seems so terribly important to me to form friendships with my crewmates. I had never really thought about that until now. 

I offered to write Matt's parents when we got back to the ship. I thought that I could spare the captain that job. Irina, he is a remarkable man. He put his hand on my shoulder, and said that that was one job the captain must never delegate. Matt's parents deserved to hear how their son died from the one who was responsible. Irina, he wasn't responsible. I tried to say that, but he just looked really sad and turned away. 

The rest of the mission didn't go any better either. Mr. Spock was nearly killed by those poisoned plants. He actually stepped in front of some thorns that would have killed Captain Kirk. Luckily, his Vulcan chemistry was different enough that the poison wasn't fatal. I wonder how he could have known that? The plant certainly would have killed the captain. We lost two more security men, one from some sort of exploding rock, and another was killed by that energy source that got us into this mess in the first place. 

Some Garden of Eden! 

The captain ended up having to destroy the energy source on the planet. He intentionally violated General Order 1, but he really had no choice. The energy source was draining the Enterprise, forcing it into the planet's atmosphere. The only way to break the ship free was to stop the force that held her. The problem was that the energy source functioned as a kind of a god to the primitive culture on the planet. They called it Vaal and worshipped it. In return for offerings that fed the energy source, Vaal provided food and shelter and completely controlled the native's lives. We had to shut down the energy before the Enterprise burned up in the atmosphere, but the ship's survival meant the end of a civilization. It was a terrible choice to have to make. I'm glad it wasn't my decision, and I'm really glad that I'm not the one who will have to explain the Starfleet why we changed a whole way of life forever. 

What a disaster. I think that I don't ever want to be in a position to have to make those kinds of hard decisions. I also don't want to feel like the captain, who sees himself responsible for the lives of all his crew. Even in situations that are beyond his control. 

I will send a message to Matt's parents. I hope that it will be some small comfort. What a terrible loss. I miss him every day and I try to think about him often. That way, like the captain said, he won't really be gone. I hope you will have a chance to write Matt's parents, too. It might help them to hear from his friends. 

I haven't asked you about yourself. How is your work going? Are you still pursuing your research with Dr. Sevrin? I miss you Irina. I don't think that I want to leave the Enterprise anymore, but I wish somehow that we could be together. 

Please write me and tell me how you are. And, Irina, I am sorry to be the one to bring such bad news. 

Love,  
Pavel


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Irina, Part 4 

Stardate 4486.4

Dear Irina,

How lucky that you were visiting your mother when my last message came. Again, I am sorry to have been the bearer of such bad news, but I knew you would want to know about Matt's death. At least you know that I was there with him when he died. I'm so glad you wrote me back. I never want to loose you as a friend. We've been through too much together, at the Academy and now this.

It sounds like your life is moving along just as you always wanted it to. You may not be following the path that we all thought you would at Starfleet Academy, but you are doing the pure research that you always wanted to do. Who knows what discoveries you and your group may make? I only hope that the apples in your Garden of Eden don't turn out to have worms. And dear Irina, don't tell me that I'm being my usually gloomy self. It's not Russian to fear the worst. It's realistic.

It was very perceptive of you to notice that I don't feel as unsure of myself anymore. I am starting to believe that I belong on the Enterprise. I still have doubts every now and then, because as the saying goes, a Russian bear can not turn into a Siberian fox overnight. (That's a really stupid saying, if you stop and think about it.) I am making friends, and I no longer worry about making a navigation error and plunging the ship into some alien sun. 

At least not all the time!

Irina, you would not believe the things that happen on this ship. The Enterprise and her captain do seem to attract more than their share of trouble. I have talked to some of my other crewmates about this. I am becoming very friendly with our helmsman, Hikaru Sulu. I think that I mentioned him before. He is a little older than I am, and the Enterprise is not his first posting. He says his other ships were never like this. We both think that sometimes the Enterprise seems to be the only ship in the galaxy. We have seen more than our share of action just in the few months I have been aboard. I can't really tell you about most of it, since so much of what we do is classified. But, I can tell you about the one incident that made me decide that I will work very hard to fit in on the Enterprise, and that I would willingly lay down my life for Captain Kirk. You may have seen a version of what happened on the news vids. Some of the civilians involved talked to reporters, and that's why I can tell you about what happened.

Shortly after Commodore Decker's death, and the destruction of the Constellation, the Enterprise was ordered to investigate the disappearance of a small passenger liner, the Derberus. She was missing from an area of space that had been thoroughly charted. Starfleet thought some mechanical problem must have disabled the ship, and ordered us to investigate and give any aid necessary. I plotted a course to the last know coordinates of the liner and calculated that it would take a little more than two days to get there. The captain was on light duty at that time because he was still troubled by some bug that he had picked up on Vulcan. I did get a chance to look into that word I mentioned in one of my other letters, "Lirpa". I thought it was the disease that was making the captain sick, but it seems that it's not a disease. It's a kind of Vulcan weapon. Hard to see how the captain could get sick from a weapon. 

Anyway, as we tracked the position of the Derberus, Captain Kirk insisted on staying through his whole watch. Dr. McCoy had a few choice words about that, I can tell you. He and Mr. Spock seem to argue constantly about everything, but on the subject of the captain's health they are always in agreement. Both men told the captain that he was spending too much time on the bridge. Captain Kirk seemed annoyed at their concern and did his best to ignore them. He only left the bridge when the doctor actually threatened to bring him up on charges of endangering the ship if he didn't report to Sickbay for treatment. I actually thought that I saw Mr. Spock smile (he did wrinkle his lip slightly) at the doctor's tactic. I used to think that Mr. Spock was pretty cold, but if you watch him carefully, every once in a while you can catch a glimpse of humor. He even makes the occasional joke, though he always denies it when the captain catches him.

The captain was back on the bridge well before the start of alpha shift of the second day. I had just come onto the bridge to begin my shift when I heard Mr. Spock report that he had made contact with something that sensors indicated might be debris. I could feel the captain stiffen, and he seemed to crackle with energy as he ordered me to increase speed to the debris field. Although sensors showed nothing in the area, Captain Kirk ordered that we raise shields. It was as if he could sense a presence that our sensors could not. He ordered Mr. Spock to scan the debris field and the first officer soon confirmed our worst fears. The remains of the liner Derberus, with 94 souls onboard, was nothing more rubble floating in the vacuum of space.

Mr. Spock reported that he detected a warp trail leading away from the wreckage of the Derberus, and that the warp signature was Orion. He also reported that there was no sign of organic remains in the debris field. Irina, this was the classic "good news-bad news". The passengers and crew had not perished on the Derberus. Instead they were about to become part of the Orion slave trade. Without a moment's hesitation, Captain Kirk ordered me to compute a course based on Mr. Spock's scans. I can tell you Irina that I was shaking. I could feel that all 94 lives depended on my not making a mistake. One tiny error in computation and we could loose the warp trail, and those people would be worse than dead, they would be slaves. All of a sudden, I felt Captain Kirk's hand on my shoulder. It was as if he could sense my fear. He didn't say anything. I would have been mortified if he did. He just made me feel that he had confidence in me. At that moment, I would have flown into a star if he had ordered it.

Mr. Scott, our engineer, had a fit, as usual, but the captain pushed the ship to warp 8. It took nearly 20 hours, but we finally had the Orion ship on sensor scans. None of us left the bridge during that 20 hours. The beta shift navigator could have relieved me, but somehow I couldn't imagine being anywhere else while this was happening. I tried to anticipate the captain's actions if and when we found the pirates, but I came up with nothing. The Orions are notorious for spacing "passengers" to make a quick getaway. How was the captain going to prevent that? 

As soon as the Enterprise was within communications range he ordered Lieutenant Uhura to hail the Orion ship. The Orions are first and foremost traders even if they traffic in the most terrible goods. Captain Kirk had the lieutenant make the Orions an offer to trade something they could use to make a great deal of money. I must admit to being puzzled. There was nothing on board the Enterprise that was worth much to the pirates. Or, so I thought. Captain Kirk just doesn't always see things the way that others do.

I wouldn't have thought that the pirates would have believed that a Starship Captain would ever trade with them, but somehow Lieutenant Uhura managed to convince them to listen. The thing of value that the captain offered was James Tiberius Kirk. Irina, he offered to trade himself for the people from the Derberus. The smile on the face of the Orion pirate captain was horrifying as he quickly agreed to the captain's terms. It was clear that the knowledge of Starfleet and the secrets of the Enterprise inside the captain's head were worth more to the Orions than 94 civilians were. 

Mr. Spock and the doctor practically leapt to the captain's chair. They spoke so softly that I couldn't hear then, even though I was only a few feet away. I didn't have to hear the words to sense the anger coming from the two officers. I am sure that they tried to convince Captain Kirk to withdraw his offer. He refused. Instead he called Mr. Scott to the bridge to arrange for the beam out of the Orion's hostages. They would have to use the cargo transporters to get all 94 over the Enterprise. Mr. Scott did not look happy, but he assured the captain that it could be done. He tried to argue with the captain. Scott even offered to go himself. He said that his engineering knowledge might tempt the Orions. The captain just smiled and said that he had to be the one to go.

You know, Irina, I used to wonder what the big deal about being a captain was. At the Academy it looked to me like all they did was sit in the center seat and tell everyone else what to do. I didn't think that they really did anything themselves. 

But, at least on the Enterprise, the captain is the first line of defense. It is Captain Kirk who leads the landing parties. It is Captain Kirk who makes the hard choices. And, finally it is Captain Kirk who puts his life on the line to protect his ship and crew and anyone else for whom he thinks he is responsible. This is not showboating. This is just how our captain does his job. It's taken me a while to figure this out, but now that I understand, I can't imagine serving with anyone who didn't think like that.

I will admit to you, Irina, that I was starting to get really scared. The thought of loosing the captain seemed too terrible to think about, but then I looked at Sulu. Instead of looking scared or angry at the captain's sacrifice, he looked calm, almost confident. I would have liked to ask him why, but I didn't dare. 

The captain gave the con to Mr. Spock, and before he left the bridge he addressed the whole ship. He explained his plan to exchange himself for the hostages. He told us all to hold steady and that what he was about to do was for the best. All the while, he had Lieutenant Uhura hold open the channel to the Orion pirates. They heard every word that was said on the bridge. 

The Orions lowered their shields so that he could beam aboard. They insisted that they would not begin returning their prisoners until Captain Kirk was aboard. I was surprised that the captain agreed to that, but then this whole situation seemed beyond my comprehension. 

Irina, I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding so hard that I was surprised that it didn’t explode. The bridge was absolutely silent. We waited. The next words I expected to hear were those of Mr. Scott, saying that the exchange was complete and that the people from the Derberus were on board. Instead, Mr. Spock spoke. He said that the captain had been successful and that everyone onboard the Orion ship was unconscious. 

Successful! I wanted to hit him. The captain was lost forever. Then I noticed that everyone on the bridge was smiling. I was so lost in my sadness that I really didn’t understand what had just happened. Sulu finally grabbed my arm and explained it to me. He said that he had thought all along that the captain had something up his sleeve. That's why he looked so calm while I nearly had a stroke. 

Well, as the news vid reported, the captain arranged to be beamed aboard the Orion ship with a large canister of Solopaine, a very quick and very powerful nerve gas that knocked out everyone on board, including the captain. He took a huge chance that the Orion sensors wouldn't detect the gas. The captain is nothing if not a gambler, and this time the dice rolled in his favor.

I volunteered for the boarding party and beamed aboard the Orion ship. It was eerie. Everyone on the ship was unconscious. We found all the hostages from the Derberus, and the captain, and transported them back to the Enterprise. I can tell you that the medical staff had their hands full treating 95 very nauseous people. That Solopaine has some nasty side effects. I don't think the ship will ever smell the same. The air scrubbers just couldn't do the job. 

It was apparently hardest on those who had the biggest doses. Captain Kirk, who carried the canister aboard took the largest dose. The only good thing about that was that Doctor McCoy was finally able to keep him in sickbay long enough to treat that Vulcan bug that had been bothering him. Ship's scuttlebutt was that every time Captain Kirk started to get out of bed to go to the bridge he threw up. The doctor just waited him out. 

Mr. Scott was able to disable the pirate's engines permanently and we contacted Starfleet to send a prison ship to tow the Orions to a Starbase. 

I have to admit that I didn't mind at all when I heard that the Solopaine was just as hard on the Orions as it was on the hostages and the poor captain. I hope he had some small pleasure in knowing that the pirates were as nauseous as he was.

After the excitement died down, and I had a moment to think about what had happened, I realized that this was the only place in the universe that I want to be. I want to be a part of the crew of the Enterprise. I know the captain has confidence in me. He showed that when he had me follow the Orion's warp trail. 

It's more than that somehow. I realized when the captain sacrificed himself for the Derberus hostages and I thought that he would die, that I didn't want to lose this life. This crew really functions as a unit. And, at the head of the unit, or perhaps I should say at the heart is Captain Kirk. I feel a part of that unit now.

I know that Captain Kirk doesn't always go by the book, but Irina some books have not been written. 

In the few months that I've been on the Enterprise, I've seen more and done more than we could have ever imagined at the Academy. Not all of it has been good; some of it has been painful and scary. But this is where I feel that I must be. This ship is where I can grow to become much more than I ever imagined. I may change my mind again, but right now I want to stay on the Enterprise for the rest of Captain Kirk's five-year mission. Who knows what is to come? Only my grandmother can predict the future and if you remember, she was convinced that I'd never graduate from the Academy. The next few years should be interesting.

Please write soon. I have spent this whole letter talking about myself. I want to hear more about you.

I have a feeling in my bones that we will be together again.

Love,  
Pavel


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Irina, Part 5

Stardate 4930.5

Dear Irina,

It has been some time since I have heard from you. I hope that you are well, and that you are still finding your work rewarding. I don't really know anything about the people who are working with you. What is Dr. Sevrin like? Who are your colleagues? I would really like to hear about them. I know, I know. Pavel is very nosy. It's just that I miss our time at the Academy. We were so close, and we told each other everything. Didn't we? I am becoming friendly with my crewmates on the Enterprise, but I remind you of that Russian saying, "there's no friend like an old friend".

Speaking of Russian sayings, I have been having some fun with my fellow officers. I decided to out-Russian any expectation they might have of me. It's so funny. I even told the captain that Ivan Berkoff was the real name for the astronomer John Burke. You should have seen his face. I think he was wondering just what they are teaching at the Academy these days. I have claimed Russian authorship of everything I can. This was "inwented" in Russia. That was "inwented" in Russia. It is really driving everyone crazy. 

The only problem is that I haven't figured out how to stop without confessing that I have been pulling everyone's leg.

I started my Russian campaign (you have accused me of a Napoleon complex, so it is only fitting) well before a series of practical jokes started to hit the ship. So, if I confess now they might think that I was the culprit. Which I was not. I have to tell you about these jokes. You will not believe such goings on could happen on a starship. But then, I think I have mentioned that the Enterprise is not an ordinary ship.

You remember that I have spoken of the fact that the Enterprise has seen more than her share of action. Well, after that incident with the Derberus, the captain requested shore leave. We were all exhausted, not the least from having nearly one hundred extra people onboard for two weeks. I know the captain asked for shore leave, because Uhura (I've mentioned her, she's the communications chief) put in the captain's request herself. And, she was the one who had to tell the captain that his request was denied. Apparently, Starfleet felt that mapping another star system was more important than the well being of this ship's crew.

I was on the bridge when our orders came through. We were to deliver our passengers and proceed immediately to a sector (I can't tell you which one) to begin charting it. I can assure you that no one on the bridge was happy. Dr. McCoy was also on the bridge when the orders came. Let me tell you Irina, for a doctor and a scientist, he swears like a Siberian freight-handler. I heard some things that were new to me and remember, swearing was "inwented" in Russia.

We dropped off our grateful passengers four days later. At least they had been a bright spot. They were so appreciative of the captain and the crew for rescuing them from the Orion slave trade that they couldn't have been easier. We've had passengers onboard who were difficult and demanding. This group was a pleasure. They did keep thanking Captain Kirk. I think this embarrassed him because he started to spend a lot of time in his cabin. Perhaps he was trying to avoid them. 

Anyway, the passengers finally disembarked. This was not a happy ship as we watched Starbase 6 shrink from view. The doctor, who was on the bridge as we left the Starbase, suggested that the captain speak to the crew to boost morale. The captain requested that Uhura open the ship's intercom. He started to speak. Irina, you wouldn't believe this. His voice sounded like he had been breathing helium. He motioned to Uhura who cut the connection. She scrambled furiously to find out where the problem was. She tested the system herself with an "All Call" and it worked fine. The captain started to speak to the ship a second time, and you guessed it. It happened again. The captain's voice came out like a squeaky wheel. 

I was afraid to look over at Sulu, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see his shoulders shaking as if he was trying to control a laugh. The doctor, whose voice also sounded suspiciously like he was trying not to chuckle, suggested he try the intercom. It worked perfectly for him. The poor captain tried again. Again, that squeaky, really funny voice. I suspect that Captain Kirk, and of course Mr. Spock, were the only ones on the bridge who were not trying very hard to keep from laughing. The captain gave Spock one of those "why me?' looks, gave him the conn and left the bridge. I only hoped that the doors of the turbolift are sound proofed because we sure laughed loud and long. 

That was the first in a series of practical jokes that became more elaborate as each one progressed. Right after the captain's unhappy experience with the intercom, someone sneaked into the doctor's cabin and switched his beard inhibitor for a blue dye. Apparently, his face is not the only part of him that Dr. McCoy uses the inhibitor on. Let me just say that it was some time before any of us saw the doctor in the gym. Most of the visible color washed off in a few days, but Dr. McCoy had a blue stain around his mouth that would not go away. The captain was heard to say that was what the doctor got for talking a blue streak.

Then, someone programmed the food slots so that every time anyone asked for dessert what they got was sushi. I can tell you that for a while this led us to suspect Sulu was behind the practical jokes. That is until we found out that he is allergic to raw fish. Sulu has a well-known sweet tooth, and I think he was the victim, not the culprit. It took engineering nearly three days to fix the food programs, and in all that time, Sulu kept trying to find someone who had a stash of chocolate. He claimed that he was addicted and that he would go into withdrawals if the food slots did not start dispensing his favorites. Of course, no one would give him any chocolate. As I write this it sounds pretty juvenile, but you had to see the plaintive look on Sulu's face when he asked for chocolate cake and got sea urchin rolls instead. It was so funny. 

Things were quiet for a while, but we were all so involved in trying to figure out who was responsible for the jokes that we hardly noticed the tedium of our assignment. Then, after nearly four days of nothing, just when things were starting to get really boring, the prankster struck again. 

Poor Mr. Scott. 

Irina, did I ever mention that Mr. Scott, who enjoys a drink more than most of us, has a very fine still in Engineering? He has been heard to boast that his whiskey was fit for a king. I am pretty sure that all of the senior officers know about the still, but there seems to be an agreement not to disturb it. Mr. Scott is one of the most talented and reliable officers on the Enterprise. He personally supervises every mechanical aspect of the ship, and he would never do anything to jeopardize the safety of its crew. So, the captain looks the other way, and in return his engineer would do just about anything for him. 

Well, our prankster somehow got past the entire engineering department and turned the latest distilled efforts purple. Apparently, the liquor was perfectly safe to drink. The color didn’t affect the taste of the whiskey, but it did stain the mouth of anyone who drank it. There were some rather strangely colored engineers who suddenly found excuses to spend all their free time at their duty stations. Word got round and more than a few stopped by Engineering to see if Scotty could spare any of his "Royal Purple". I hear that he was the only one who didn't think that was funny.

I can tell you Irina, the sole topic of conversation on the ship was trying to figure out who was behind those jokes. We pretty much eliminated those who were the victims. Then, we eliminated those who did not have the access or the ability to pull off the pranks. That left practically nobody. I will say that morale on the ship was high, since we were all having so much fun. I think that some jokers went into business for themselves, because there were all sorts of minor pranks, but none with elegance of the first few. We finished our mapping assignment and finally received word that the Enterprise was to report to Starbase 12 for shoreleave. I wondered whether that meant the jokes would stop. It seemed to me that whoever was behind them meant to lighten the mood of the ship. And, was very successful!

But, whoever it was wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, and so there was one last brilliant, elegant, elaborate joke on the whole ship. Writing about it doesn't do it justice, it was so wonderful. 

It happened on Alpha shift of the day before we reached Starbase 12. I was on the bridge with the regular duty officers. The captain asked his yeoman for the duty logs so that he could review the previous shifts. His yeoman handed him the padd and the captain looked down to start his review. All of a sudden he sat up straight in his chair and in his most commanding voice asked, "What is the meaning of this?" Irina, usually Captain Kirk is the most considerate and kind of commanders, but when he gets riled, watch out. He gets a tone of voice that says he means business.

Mr. Spock swiveled in his chair and asked the captain what was wrong. The captain called Mr. Spock down to look at his padd. Apparently there was something written on it that upset him. Mr. Spock actually looked perturbed. His eyebrow rose so high on his forehead that it disappeared beneath his hair. He started to say something, when he was interrupted by a gasp from Lieutenant Uhura. That gasp echoed around the bridge as on every computer station on the ship the following message appeared:

THIS IS THE BEST DAMN CREW ON THE BEST DAMN SHIP IN STARFLEET.

The captain shrugged and said, "Who am I to argue with the truth?" Then he turned the conn over to Mr. Spock and ordered him to clear up the glitch on the computer. I am pretty sure that the turbolifts aren't soundproof, Irina, because I would swear I heard a rather loud and triumphant "YES" coming from the lift as Captain Kirk left the bridge. Anyway, that was the last practical joke because we reached Starbase 12 the next day and we went on shore leave. 

I'd tell you about my shore leave, but to tell you the truth, it was not half as much fun as duty on this ship. I can't believe that I ever considered asking for a transfer. I also have an idea why the captain spent so much time in his cabin. Hah, and I thought practical jokes were "inwented" in Russia, not Iowa.

Please write soon. I miss you.

Love,  
Pavel


	6. Chapter 6

Stardate 5031.1

Dear Irina,

I realize that it has been over a month since I received your last letter. I feel terrible that it has taken me so long to respond. My work has kept me very busy, and we have been out of communications range or running silent for a lot of the time. Still, those are poor excuses for not writing back to you. I am sorry, and I will try to do better in the future.

Before I answer your questions, I must tell you that I am more than a little worried about your work. Irina, your almost slavish obedience to Dr. Sevrin does not sound like the questioning and independent woman with whom I spent so much time at the Academy. I do not think that it is wise to abandon everything that you have worked for to follow your colleagues in this fanciful search for "Eden". I thought when you first talked of this that you were engaged in an archaeological search. This journey that you describe seems to be more of a mythical quest. 

I must remind you Irina, of how so many of these quests end. 

Not well. 

Think about the story of the Russian princess who left her prince and her castle to follow the sorcerer. He promised her eternal life. She found more than she bargained for. Eternal life in hell. I know you think I always find the worst in everything. This is not my gloomy Russian soul speaking. I tell you this from real experience. I am very worried about you and this doctor of yours. Please think carefully about your decision to follow him.

Now be calm, Irina. I can just hear you yelling at me. I know you said in your last letter that I have lost contact with reality when it comes to Captain Kirk. You are quite mistaken. My obedience to my captain is an entirely different situation. I am aware that I told you that I would follow him to hell and back if he asked. It is not the same thing. In the first place, if he ordered me to hell it would be because Starfleet ordered him to take us there. 

In the second place, he would never put his crew in danger unless there was absolutely no other choice. And, Captain Kirk would be the first one through the gates of hell. He is always first. I have thought about this a lot. I think it is because when he leads us he does not have to watch us in harm's way. Maybe that sounds strange, but that is the way he is. 

Anyway, enough of that. You asked me to tell you about my life onboard the Enterprise. You know that this is the posting that I wanted more than anything. This was my first, last and only choice. Now that I am here Irina, the thing that is the most surprising is how utterly ordinary most of it is. I do not know exactly what I expected, but somehow I thought that my life on board a starship would be less mundane. I am very busy, but most of it is so…I guess I would have to say normal. I get up, have breakfast, go to the bridge, do my work, spend time with my friends, and go to bed. 

Yes, alone. 

It is sometimes hard to remember that all of this is taking place on board a starship that is hurtling through vacuum, warping space at unimaginable speeds. If I have trouble remembering this most of the time, I wonder how my shipmates who work off the bridge feel about it. It is not something I am really comfortable discussing with them. I would not want anyone, especially the captain, ever to think that I do not want to be aboard the Enterprise. 

I guess you can get used to almost anything if you do it long enough. I do not have nightmares about navigating us into a star anymore. I actually miss that feeling a little bit. Even my work has gotten pretty routine. I sit on the bridge during my shift, plotting courses, practicing evasive maneuvers, and occasionally assisting Mr. Spock at the science station. For the most part, any of this could be done anywhere. There are long stretches of time when absolutely nothing happens at all. I am not really complaining about that, because what breaks up the monotony is usually bad news for all of us. It is just that when I dreamed about the Enterprise I did not think about how ordinary much of my day-to-day life would be. And, this is on a ship that sees more action than most. Imagine how boring another posting would be!

I have noticed that many of the people on this ship have taken up hobbies, some authorized and more than a few clandestine. Perhaps, they too feel the monotony of this life. My friend Sulu is a fencer who thinks he is one of the Three Musketeers. He is always after me to take fencing lessons from him. So far, I have resisted. I do not much like the thought of having sharp weapons pointed at me for fun. 

Lieutenant Uhura's hobby is learning languages. So far, she can speak and understand more than thirty. That sounds more like work than play to me, but she is so obviously happy when she masters a new one. She is trying to learn every Terran dialect currently being spoken. Uhura told me that some day she hopes to begin working on the non-Terran languages. With so many languages in the Federation, she will have to live to be one hundred before she ever gets to Klingon! Uhura also sings like an angel. Much to our delight. 

Mr. Spock plays the Vulcan harp and engages in martial arts for relaxation. He is very generous about teaching the crew, but I have seen the bruises on his students after some of his more difficult throws. No thank you. I probably still have scars from that secret Siberian chokehold you showed me. 

Our chief engineer spends his off-hours perfecting his homemade whiskey. No one is supposed to know that there is a still in engineering, but I have heard that even the captain has indulged from time to time. I tried Mr. Scott's concoction once. I prefer vodka. 

There is an ensign in stores who runs a poker game, an unregistered game of five-dimensional Snood runs on the security computers, and one of the nurses has a stash of illegal movies from Wrigley's Pleasure Planet. At least, that is the rumor. I of course, would not have any first-hand knowledge of those. 

There is probably a lot more going on that I do not know about. The unofficial position seems to be that if your off-duty activities do not interfere with your job, and do not harm anyone, then as long as you do not flaunt them, go ahead. A most enlightened attitude. Since your last letter said that I sound as if I am out of contact with the real world, I am considering joining a group that experiments with the paranormal. (Stop screaming, Irina. This is a joke.)

You may have noticed that I mostly describe the same people each time I write you. That is another thing about this job. You are with the same people day in and day out. When I first came on board, the ship seemed so big. I wondered if I would ever know all my shipmates. Well, Irina, four hundred and thirty people contained in a starship make for a very, very, small town. You can't go anywhere, do anything, without running into the same people over and over. Don't get me wrong. These are some of the finest people in the universe. I am honored to be serving with them, and I am beginning to feel that these will be among my lifelong friends. But, some mornings I dread going to the mess and seeing the same faces. 

Speaking of the mess, the food on this ship is terrible. I know that a huge amount of effort goes into trying to make our meals palatable, but they are inedible for the most part. Behind the engineers' backs, the food slots are referred to as the food slops. You never know what you will get when you dial in a choice. The other day, I tried to order some kasha. I know that I should not have even tried, but there it was on the list of choices. I was feeling a little homesick and could not resist. Well, Irina, this kasha had never been near a groat. It was green! Need I add that I did not eat it? 

I have learned that it is best to stock up on real food whenever possible. I spent all my credits on edibles at the last Starbase we visited. I am also ashamed to say that I have turned into a hoarder. Like our ancestors who faced the bitter Russian winter, I am storing my food for the long months ahead. I think once, twice, and then three times, each time that I dip into my stash. You used to accuse me of being a miser. I am embarrassed to admit that you were right. I have actually lied to my friends about being out of chocolate. I find myself gargling three times after indulging. Sulu would strangle me if he smelled it on my breath. This is not something they taught us at the Academy.

Something else they did not teach at the Academy was the amount of gossip that goes on in what is essentially a very small town. I used to think the Enterprise ran on dilithium crystals. I was wrong. It runs on gossip.

The main subject of much of the gossip seems to be the captain. His private life is an endless source of speculation. Or, should I say his lack of a private life? He is a very handsome man, and most of the women, and quite a few of the men seem to have a crush on him. He certainly is nothing but completely professional with his crew. In this very contained environment we would all know in a moment if the captain was indiscreet. He isn't. I am sure that he is as aware that we watch his every move. I wonder how he can handle the pressure? He does spend a lot of time in the gym. 

I am told that he has returned from some of his shore leaves looking a little rough around the edges. Rumor has it that the captain more than makes up for lost time when he is off the Enterprise. Apparently, some of his former girlfriends have shown up on the ship. Sulu told me about some lawyer who actually kissed Captain Kirk on the bridge. I wish I had seen that.

Here's another piece of gossip for you. Mr. Spock, our Vulcan first officer, has a human mother. She came aboard the Enterprise with Sarek of Vulcan as part of a diplomatic mission. You may have read about the Babel conference, where the vote to admit Coridan to the Federation took place. The Enterprise was assigned to transport several of the diplomatic delegations to this conference. What should have been a routine mission turned out to be pretty surprising for several reasons. Not the least of which was meeting Mr. Spock's human mother. I guess I do not know what is more surprising, that Mr. Spock is half-human, or that he has a mother at all. Somehow, even after meeting Lady Amanda, it is still difficult to see our formal and controlled first officer as someone's child. I think Mr. Spock has that problem too. He did not act like a son to his mother when I saw them together. 

I wonder what Spock's mother's life is like? What could it be like for a human to live on Vulcan? How hard it must be to have to control her very human feelings so as not to offend those around you. This would be impossible for me. When she first married Sarek there could not have been many humans on Vulcan. She must have felt terribly isolated. Yet she does not appear to be unhappy. In fact she appears to be quite content with her life. 

We got a chance to see quite a bit of Spock's mother while she was on board the Enterprise. Ambassador Sarek was ill for a while, but Lady Amanda seemed to enjoy being with the human crew. She was quite charming. When she first boarded the Enterprise she came to the bridge with the captain for a tour. Lady Amanda came over to me and asked me several questions. She smiled at me as if she felt a mother's pride. It was a very nice feeling. I wonder if Mr. Spock ever felt that way with her? 

In some ways Spock's mother reminded me of my mother. Do you remember how my mother delighted in telling our Academy classmates about my most embarrassing moments as a child? Well, Dr. McCoy told me that Mr. Spock's mother did the same thing. She told him that our first officer used to have a pet bear called a sehlat. I looked up this sehlat. It looks a little like a Russian brown bear. But, this bear has six-inch fangs and claws. It is hard to picture Mr. Spock cuddling his sehlat, since these creatures look capable of ripping a person to pieces. I am glad that I did not have the misfortune to be born on Vulcan. A human child would never survive the pets.

Mr. Spock was clearly raised as a Vulcan. He seems to have suppressed the human part of himself. I wonder what that choice has cost him? And, I wonder what it has cost his mother? I imagine that she would not have been able to hold him and kiss him as our mothers did us. Do you suppose that Mr. Spock ever cried as a child? Would his mother have dried his tears, or would she have chastised him for being emotional? I heard a rumor that Spock and his father were estranged. How could you tell? Our first officer acted like both his parents were strangers to him. Perhaps things are different in private. Perhaps when Spock and his mother are alone, that warmth that I told you about, that I had sensed buried in Mr. Spock's Vulcan depths, emerges from his human half. Vulcans, even half-Vulcans are very secretive. I doubt we will ever really know.

Here's another funny thing. Speaking of keeping secrets, it seems that Mr. Spock neglected to mention to Captain Kirk that his parents were coming aboard the Enterprise. He and the captain are supposed to be friends. I can only imagine how the captain felt about being kept in the dark. I know that this is so because a friend of mine, Chuck Henley, was in the landing bay when Captain Kirk found out. Apparently, the captain told Mr. Spock he could beam down and visit his parents after the Vulcan ambassador beamed onboard. According to Henley, Mr. Spock turned to the captain and replied that the Vulcan ambassador and his wife were his parents. Henley said Captain Kirk had a really funny look on his face for a moment. Then he sort of straightened up and walked out with the Vulcan diplomats as if nothing strange had happened. 

One benefit of the mission to Babel was that for a while the food onboard the ship was really good. There were a lot of diplomats aboard the Enterprise, and they brought with them delicacies from their home worlds. The delegates were very generous with their food. I tasted everything. Some of it was pretty strange, but most of it was a lot better than green kasha! There was this Rigellian delicacy called "chaav" that I really enjoyed. That is until Sulu told me that it was the made from the droppings of the Rigellian analogue of bats. 

Do you know that it is considered a diplomatic faux pas to spit out food in public?

The captain made sure that all of us had an opportunity to spend time with the diplomats. I learned so much from talking to them, and listening to their stories. There were a few delegations that were not a pleasure to have on board. Tellarites are the most quarrelsome creatures I have yet encountered. You know that I enjoy a good argument, but these beings have refined arguing into an art form. There was a bit of trouble with the Tellarite ambassador, but unfortunately I cannot go into detail. I will mention that Captain Kirk's diplomatic skills were called into use on several occasions. 

Oh. I cannot believe that I almost forgot to tell you about the one exciting thing that did happen. We had a bit of a run in with another ship, and before that there was an incident on the Enterprise when the captain was injured. Anyway, the exciting part was that after the incident with that other ship, the captain had to leave the bridge. He had aggravated his injury, and needed to get to sickbay in a hurry. Well Irina, as he left he stopped and turned to me. I remember every second. It is inscribed into my brain. 

He said, "Chekov, take over." 

HE GAVE ME THE CONN! 

For a moment I froze. The turbolift doors closed and still I had not moved. Then Lieutenant Uhura said, "Aren't you going to sit in the command chair, sir?" 

SIR! She called me sir. 

I have to tell you Irina, I was excited, shaky, sweaty, nervous, thrilled, nauseous, all at the same time. My replacement navigator came to stand by me, and I finally got up to give Ensign Leslie my station. I walked over to the command chair. I felt a little like Alice in Wonderland. Do you remember that story? I felt so small and the chair looked so big. I had this image of sitting down and having my feet not touch the floor. I took a deep breath and sat down. 

Do you know what brought me back to reality? I felt wetness under my hand. When I looked down at the chair I saw that there was blood on the back of the seat. Captain Kirk had been bleeding badly all through our difficulties. There was nothing in his command performance that even hinted that he was in such trouble. Well, for some reason that steadied me. If he could perform under such circumstances, and he left me the conn, then I could do what he needed me to do.

The funny thing was that soon after that, Dr. McCoy declared both the captain and Mr. Spock unfit for duty. Apparently, Mr. Spock donated blood for an operation and was too weak to take command, and the captain was also unable to serve. I don't know all the details. Anyway Irina, they forgot that I had the conn. No one told Mr. Scott, who's next in command, to relieve me. I served a whole shift in command of the Enterprise. 

I wish I could tell you it was thrilling. The idea of it was thrilling, but actually most of the work was pretty boring. There were a million reports. Damage reports, fuel consumption reports, personnel reports, medical reports. So much paperwork. I am thinking that I might reconsider the command track and go into security. My friend Henley says it's really interesting and you get to go on a lot of away missions. We shall see.

Mr. Scott finally relieved me at the end of Alpha shift. He seemed a little surprised to find me with the conn, but since I hadn’t ordered the ship into the Neutral Zone, or issued blinis with caviar to the entire crew, he did not have much to complain about. 

I went down to sickbay to see the captain. He was asleep, but Mr. Spock took my report. His mother was sitting there, between her son and husband, looking as cool and collected as could be. I had found out from one of my friends who is a medical technician that things had certainly not been so calm just a few hours before. Apparently, Ambassador Sarek had fallen ill and would have died without a transfusion of Mr. Spock's blood. Spock refused the transfusion because with the captain hurt, he was in command. That was why Captain Kirk was on the bridge with a bleeding hole in his back. The captain and Dr. McCoy tricked Mr. Spock into giving up command and the doctor was able to save Sarek's life. 

Irina, I'm glad I'm not a Vulcan, and even more, I am glad I am not married to one. They were all so controlled, so cool. With so much at stake, with family bonds tested, the three of them sat in Sickbay looking a little bored, a little disinterested. 

Vulcans. They were certainly not invented in Russia.

Mr. Spock did say that he was satisfied with my performance at the conn. He had been monitoring me. I suppose I am pleased. 

Do I want to opportunity to go it again? 

Yes. I do.

I am hopeless. 

Please write again soon. I promise to answer immediately.

I miss you.

Love,  
Pavel


	7. Chapter 7

Stardate 5203.5

Dear Irina,

I am sorry to burden you with this, but I have to confess to someone. Please allow me to presume upon our friendship. You know me better than anyone and you have always forgiven me my transgressions in the past, but time there can be no forgiveness. I only implore you to listen to this no matter how disgusted you might feel by what I have done. Just listen and know how truly ashamed and sorry I am.

I have disgraced myself. I have done the most idiotic, horrible, terrible thing that you could ever imagine. I know that you have a vivid imagination, and that you have seen me do some pretty stupid things, but this…this is the worst. My family will die of shame when they hear about this. I have disgraced them, my Russian heritage, Starfleet, and everyone who ever helped me or had a kind word for me in my whole life. I know that you think that I am prone to exaggeration, but not this time. This time I am telling the exact truth. I am so stupid. I do not deserve to wear a Starfleet uniform. I do not deserve to be on this ship. There is no way that I am ever going to be able to undo what I have done. 

I am writing this to you from my quarters. I have been confined to my quarters until further notice. Confined to my quarters! I should have been confined to the brig. No, that would not be enough. I deserve to be executed. I should be pushed out an airlock, beamed into space, widest beam dispersal. I deserve to be fed to the old toothless lions at the St. Petersburg zoo. Those lions would take a long time to eat me, and I deserve a slow and painful death. Even that would be too good for me.

I still can not believe what I did. You always said that I was arrogant. Well, Irina, you have no idea the depths to which my arrogance has taken me this time. Maybe, if I tell it, it will not seem so bad. Not so bad? Who am I fooling? 

Irina, I think I have killed my captain. 

Oh, my friend, I can not believe it when I see it on the screen in front of me. I just can not believe it. I only say that I think I killed him, because no one has talked to me since I was ordered off the bridge and confined to quarters. I can not be certain that Captain Kirk is dead. Still, I do not see how he could have survived what I did to him on the bridge. 

The bridge, the bridge. Will I ever see my beloved bridge again? Never. I do not deserve to set foot on it. How could I have been so stupid? So reckless? What was I thinking? Nothing. I was thinking nothing. I was just forging ahead with the worst idea I have ever had. Did I think it through? Did I think about consequences? No. All I thought about was showing off. Trying to set myself out front so I would be noticed. This is something that you have said about me many times. You were so right. It was more important to earn a word of praise than to take the time to think about what I was doing. Now, I have earned disgrace. I will have to live the rest of my life as Pavel Andeivich Chekov, the idiot who killed the greatest captain in Starfleet history. Boshze moi, it is even more horrible to read the words than it is to think about it.

I suppose this nightmare began right after that diplomatic mission to Coridan. You remember I wrote you that the captain gave me the conn. Well, I managed not to blow up the ship. Clearly, a miracle. Since the bridge was shorthanded with the captain and Mr. Spock in Sickbay, Mr. Scott let me take the conn for a few more shifts. At first, I was very, very nervous. If you have not done it yourself, one could think that command of the bridge is not so much. It might look as if all you do is sit there while everyone around you does their job. I know that is what I used to think. 

When I first was assigned to the Enterprise and sat at navigation sweating away at our courses, making corrections on the fly, I thought that Captain Kirk did not do so much. What did I know? Sitting in the command chair, with the responsibility of the entire ship on your shoulders, with all eyes on you, that is real work. You have to trust your people and let them do their jobs, but all the decisions are yours. When to fight, when to run. When to explore, when to move on. There is no one telling a captain how to make those choices. He just has to know. The training, and more important the instinct, has to be there. Between you and me, Irina, though I loved sitting in that chair, the responsibility scared me. I do not think that I have those instincts. I am pretty sure that I am not cut out for command. 

Command! Who am I kidding? I am not cut out to live. I will probably be drummed so far out of Starfleet that I will be lucky to be able to see the stars, much less fly among them. How can I bear this shame, this guilt? There is no way that I can ever make amends for what I have done. Maybe I will be lucky and someone will just kill me and put me out of my misery. The bridge officers all looked angry enough to kill me when Mr. Spock ordered me off the bridge.

I can hear you, Irina. Get to the point, Pavel. You're so long-winded, Pavel. Well, the point is that I let the conn go to my head. I actually thought, with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock off the bridge, and Mr. Scott tending to his engines after that Orion nearly blasted us to pieces, that I really was in command. That is when I got my horrible, terrible, stupid idea, and that is when I did not stop to think. And, that is when I set in motion the events that killed the captain.

Do you remember in my last letter that I told you that the Enterprise had been attacked on the way to Coridan? I think I told you too, that the captain had defeated our attacker even though he had been injured earlier that day? Well, that ship shook us up pretty badly. The Enterprise took some really hard hits. Things can get pretty rough on the bridge, you know. It can be incredibly difficult to stay at your post when the inertial dampers are straining to keep the ship upright, and you are being buffeted by energy surges from every direction. We have all been thrown from our seats many times. Usually, it means no more that a few bumps and bruises, but this time the captain had just come from Sickbay and all that shaking and bumping must have opened up his wound. When I sat in the command seat, there was blood on it. I did not think that much about it, except to be in awe of Captain Kirk's ability to defeat the enemy when he must have been weak and in pain.

The real trouble started when I returned to the command seat several shifts later. I started thinking about the captain and how vulnerable he was to being thrown around in the command seat. Then it hit me. 

Of course. 

Seat belts. 

It seemed so simple, that I could not believe that no one had ever thought of it. If we had some kind of restraint system at the bridge stations, we would not be thrown from our seats. We could perform our duties better. I was absolutely convinced that I had thought of the most brilliant idea in the universe. I would get a medal. I would get a promotion. Mr. Spock would tell me that I was very smart and praise me for taking the initiative. What a lovely thought that was.

As soon as I got off duty, I took myself down to engineering. I have several friends who work there and one of them, Martin Dees, is a mechanical wizard. Do you remember him? He was a year ahead of us at the Academy. Well anyway, Martin is a great guy, if entirely too trusting. He can fix anything, but he is as gullible as a baby. I am afraid I took terrible advantage of our friendship. 

We are very used to the officers on the Enterprise and their innovative and creative ways. Martin works for Mr. Scott, who is always modifying and inventing new systems for the ship, but I am neither engineer nor science officer. I was sure that if he thought the idea was mine, he would not help me. Instead, I told him that Mr. Spock had this idea about the seat belts, but wanted it to be kept quiet. Oh, Irina, I lied. I am so very ashamed of myself.

Martin thought that seat belts were a great idea. He told me that he could not figure out why no one had ever thought of them before. It never occurred to him to inquire why Mr. Spock would want to keep the idea a secret. He just took my lies as truth. I used him terribly. I knew he would not question why I was bringing this idea to him instead of Mr. Spock. 

I used my position as a bridge officer to manipulate my very trusting friend. 

Mistake number one. 

Neither of us bothered to read the ship's technical specs. 

Mistake number two.

Martin and I thought that it would be a great idea to install a prototype on one station at the bridge. 

Mistake number three. 

Martin worked out this great active restraint system. It created a mini-tractor beam around the seat, holding the person sitting there in place. It could only be activated manually or when the sensors that we installed detected a disturbance of force five or better. Martin put every kind of failsafe in place that we could think of. The safety system could not power up unless someone was actually sitting in the chair. It activated around the whole body, but left the arms free so that the occupant would be able to function at their post. That also left the person free to turn it off and on at will. We thought of everything. It was brilliant. We tested it every possible way. We ran every kind of simulation that we could think of. It worked perfectly. We rushed a bit because I had the brilliant idea of installing this system in the command chair. I wanted it to be ready when Captain Kirk returned to duty. 

I wanted to surprise him. 

Mistake number four. 

Oh, Irina.

When we were both satisfied that the system worked perfectly, Martin showed me how to install the tractor module into the panel on the command chair arm. He had designed it so that it would be really easy to set up. I had the conn for the third shift that night and I planned to have the command seat all ready for Captain Kirk when he came back on duty for first shift. So stupid. How could I have done this? I was so proud and excited as I put the equipment into the chair. It went into the panel just as Martin had demonstrated. 

Irina, I could not wait for Captain Kirk to take the bridge that morning. 

Be careful what you wish for. 

Just as I was about to test the new restraint system, the science officer informed me that we were approaching an ion storm. I ordered the navigator to plot a new course. At first it looked like we would be able to skirt around it. The Enterprise is on its way to survey a planet that the captain had visited some years ago. He was quite eager to return to Neural and so I was reluctant to plot too wide a course around the storm. I did not want to delay our arrival too much. Unfortunately, the storm grew in intensity faster than we could anticipate. I ordered a y-axis course to try to avoid the spreading spacial disruptions, but they just got worse and worse. I called for a yellow alert.

The turbo lift doors opened just as we hit a particularly nasty patch. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock walked onto the bridge. They were early for their first shift, but I was not really surprised. They both like to be on the bridge during alerts. Irina, I was a little nervous because we had not had enough time to test the captain's restraint system, but then it had worked perfectly in simulation. I did not have much time to think about it because things started to get really bad. The storm was now force four and growing stronger by the second. There was no way to fly around it. We would just have to find the best course to ride it out. The captain hurried down to the command seat and Mr. Spock moved to the science station. I took over at navigation. New data came from Mr. Spock, and the captain checked with Mr. Scott and issued several course corrections. He called for a red alert. The wail of the alert and flashing red lights drove all thoughts of telling the captain about his new safety system out of my mind. 

The Enterprise was taking a terrible beating. The ion storm was now at force five. There was so much happening that I do not think Captain Kirk even noticed when the tractor system came on. The ship creaked and groaned as it was thrown around by the turbulence. You could almost hear the inertial dampers and artificial gravity sensors groaning as they strained to keep the ship stable. People were being tossed from their chairs and flung to the ground. All except the captain, who remained firmly seated. The next few minutes are a bit of a blur, Irina, but here is what I remember. There was a lot of noise on the bridge, so at first none of us paid attention to a kind of grinding, cracking sound as the bridge's ceiling began to tear loose from its supports. It was probably the hiss of air escaping behind the ceiling that first alerted us to real trouble. That is something that everyone on this ship is trained to hear no matter what else is going on. Atmosphere was leaking out into space. All that pounding and shaking had caused a hull breach. From the sound of it, it was probably very small, but anytime a ship starts to lose atmosphere it is not a small problem.

I swiveled around in my seat to see where the breach was. The sound seemed to be coming from above the command chair. The captain signaled for engineering help. I could see him trying to stand. He had a really puzzled look on his face. He was clearly trying to get up. Irina, there was a release toggle on the panel, but I had not shown it to him. I was the only one on the bridge who knew about the restraint on his chair and I was the only one who could release him. I had not told him that he would be a prisoner in that command chair until he released the force that held him in place. It had never occurred to me that this could happen. In my arrogance, I had just plunged ahead with the most devastating consequences imaginable. 

I was looking up, so I saw the piece of ceiling tearing lose before he did. I shouted and dove for the command chair, desperate to reach the toggle to set him free before the roof fell in. Literally. But, Irina, I was too late. With a shattering, crashing noise that I will hear until I go to my grave, a huge piece of the Enterprise fell on top of her captain. He could not move out of the way because I had imprisoned him in the chair without his knowledge. I killed him.

Several of the bridge officers leapt to the captain's chair. We all pawed at the plastic and steel, trying to move it away. Engineers rushed onto the bridge and several suited people quickly sealed the breach that had pushed the ceiling down onto the captain. After what seemed like an eternity, medical personnel arrived. I think Lieutenant Uhura must have called them. I know I have told you about her. She is the communications officer. I have seen her in all kinds of crises, but this is the first time I have ever seen her cry. She stayed at her post, calling for damage reports, answering calls from all parts of the ship, and every so often looking at the mound where the captain was buried. I am certain that she wanted desperately to help dig him out, but she stayed at her post. Through the dust, I could see the traces of tears weaving a pattern of despair on her face. 

They uncovered the captain. The power to the command chair had failed and the tractor system had finally released him. He was sprawled under the command chair, covered in blood. He looked dead. Without a word, the medics hooked him to a gurney and ran to the turbo lift. I do not know for certain whether he is dead, though I do not see how he could have survived such a catastrophe. It is all my fault. If I had not decided that I knew best, that my idea should be tried without consulting anyone, the captain would not be dead. 

The storm diminished shortly after the captain had been taken from the bridge. Mr. Spock had us stand down from red alert. I knew that I had to tell him what I had done, but this was so hard. Irina, I want so much for him to think well of me. I have worked so hard and I threw it away in one horrible moment of supreme arrogance and stupidity. I have no hope that he would understand. There is nothing to understand. I am guilty. I told Mr. Spock what I had done. I truly thought that he would lose his Vulcan control, but he did not. He closed his eyes for a long moment and then he ordered me to my quarters.

I am so sorry. 

(Pause recording)

(Resume recording)

I'm going to send this off now. Mr. Spock has summoned me to Sickbay, and I am not sure that I will be allowed to return to my quarters after he is finished with me. Just know Irina that whatever happens, it is no more than I deserve. Also know, my dear Irina, that you are very important to me. I only wish that I could see you once again, but that seems unlikely. I will probably spend the rest of my life on some desolate gulag planet, mining ore and freezing to death. Siberia would seem like a paradise. 

Remember me. 

Love,   
Pavel

***********************************************************

Stardate 5305

Dearest Irina,

OH MY GOD. 

Miracles do happen. The captain is alive. I have just been to see him. This truly is a miracle ship. You will not believe this, Irina, but the seat belt system saved his life. It seems that the tractor beam repelled the ceiling debris just enough so that he was not crushed. He is a mess, cuts and bruises, but he is alive.

Oh, and he is furious.

With me, of course. What a wonderful feeling it is to have Captain Kirk furious with me. I never thought that would happen again. Amazingly, I am to be allowed to stay on the Enterprise, but it will be some time before I will be allowed back on the bridge. If ever. That is fine with me. I have asked to be assigned to security. I would like to keep out of the captain's way for a while, and security interests me.

I am not really certain why the captain is willing to forgive me. 

I think I told you that Mr. Spock ordered me report to Sickbay. Not his quarters, not a briefing room. Sickbay. I began to hope that perhaps the captain was still alive. I never expected to find him sitting up on a diagnostic bed engaged in a rather heated discussion with Mr. Spock. Of course, the heat all came from Captain Kirk. They were talking about me. I heard Mr. Spock saying something about this being my Kobayashi Maru and that I had changed the rules of the game. Mr. Spock suggested that the captain should give me a citation for creative thinking. There was a strange cant to his eyebrow as he said this, and if he were not a Vulcan, I might have thought he made a joke. I do not get the punch line. 

I am really confused Irina. You and I both know that the KM command simulation had nothing to do with seat belts. It was that no-win scenario that we both took at the Academy, was it not? I am still very puzzled about the meaning of all this. I would like to ask Mr. Spock to explain it to me. Something tells me that I had better not ask the captain.

They both changed the subject as soon as they saw me. Captain Kirk spoke very forcefully for quite a long time. That man can be really, really intense. Not that I do not deserve the full force of his anger. I did nearly murder him in his own command seat. I have been warned never to initiate a change of any kind on the Enterprise without the express permission of a superior officer. That seems more than reasonable. 

Particularly since I have no intention of every having another original idea as long as I live. 

As I mentioned, I have been relieved of bridge duty. Again that seems fair. Besides, I think it would be better for all concerned if I keep a low profile for a while.

As for the seat belts, apparently if I had only bothered to read the technical specifications on the Enterprise bridge seats, I would have found out that they actually once had a restraint system. It seems that the captain had them disconnected because he felt that it was unsafe to confine bridge personnel to their seats in an emergency. Too many chances for injury from electrical shocks, exploding panels, and, I suppose falling ceilings. 

Mr. Scott spoke to me after I left Sickbay. It seems that he and the captain have had many discussions on the subject of seat belts. Mr. Scott was very interested in the tractor beam assembly that Martin developed. I think he may even try to convince Captain Kirk to give the idea a second chance. I am obviously not the only one who thinks seat belts on the Enterprise would be a good idea. 

I do have something of a problem though, since I do not want to get Martin involved in this mess. Mr. Scott wants to discuss the tractor beam assembly. In detail. It seems that he thinks it was very innovative engineering, and that I am responsible for it. Well, since you know that I nearly failed our applied engineering courses at the Academy, (did I ever thank you for helping me through those minefields?) I may have some quick studying to do. I doubt that I can fool Mr. Scott for long, but what choice do I have? Sometimes, it seems that I just dig myself into these holes with no hope of escape. Perhaps I can avoid the engineer. This is a pretty big ship, after all. And, I seem to be very lucky these days.

I have to cut this short now, because I am about to return to duty. I must find a red shirt before I report to the security chief. 

I just realized that this whole letter was about me. Forgive me, Irina. Please write soon and tell me about your life.

Love,  
Your arrogant, stupid and incredibly lucky friend Pavel.


End file.
